To My Dear Wife:    During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I  have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every ten days.   The  following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:       54 Times the Sheets were clean     17 Times It was too late     49 times you were too tired     20 times it was too early    15 times it was too hot    15 times you pretended to be asleep      3 times you said the neighbors would hear us    22 times you had a headache      7 times you were sunburned      9 times you said your mother would hear us      3 times you weren't in the mood    17 times you were afraid of waking the kids      6 times you were watching the late show on t.v.    15 times you didn't want to mess your new hairdo    16 times you said you were too sore    12 times it was the wrong time of the month    19 times you had to get up early     Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory.  Because  6  times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you  told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I had finished and once I  was afraid I had hurt you, because I felt you move. ___________________________________________________________________________   To My Dear Husband:  I think you have things a little confused.  Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did!     5 Times you came home drunk and tried to to screw the cat   36 Times you did not come home at all   21 Times you did not come   33 Times you came too soon   19 Times you went soft before you got it in   10 Times your toes were in a cramp   38 times you worked too late   29 Times had to get up early to play golf    2  Times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls    4 Times you caught it in your zipper    3 Times you had a cold and your nose kept running    3 Times your coffee was too hot and burned your tongue    2 Times you had a splinter in your finger  20 Times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day    6  Times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book  98 Times you were too busy watching football on T.V.    Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you  missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or  kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.